i woke up angry
how long covid changed my life..
I woke up angry. To think that there was even an ounce of reluctance in releasing what I, like so many other women, are going through is sad. The rage of experiencing life through a woman’s body is one that I cannot even begin to contextualize, as my feelings around it are much stronger than the words I can use to describe it. I am not a feminist (I’m not a feminist by definition because I believe women deserve more and are in fact better than men), and this piece is not some radical act of vulnerability through the art of expression; it's real bullsh*t that I am tired of (amongst many things).
“I see so many women who come in here like yourself crying uncontrollably because they don’t know what to do anymore”...I was them in private.
I remember graduating from college, ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. I felt overprepared. The little girl who had to be independent at a young age felt that this was the last door she would have to kick down. A few months after graduating, I caught COVID back-to-back twice from a relative who worked in a hospital. My recovery wouldn't be a few weeks, but a whole year and a half of hell, along with a diagnosis of POTS/Dysautonomia, a condition that would affect my entire body for the longer term.
1 million to 3 million people have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) in the United States, with about 75% to 85% of cases being female, most commonly between the ages of 15 and 50.
I have always been ambitious. I graduated from college in three years with honors, two degrees, and a ton of eclectic experiences that I continued to expand on professionally post-grad. Despite the upward trajectory professionally, I had my own challenges personally. I grew comfortable being a nomad or a wanderer, as I say, because I never felt I belonged anywhere, even in spaces one might think that would allow for it. I guess that is the consequence of being a free thinker; obtaining consciousness means you are prone to feeling isolated. I initially thought that I would never speak on this or share it with the world, as most people tend to victimize those facing internal struggles. I have reluctantly accepted that vulnerability is one of my biggest strengths, and it is not my job to control how others view me. In fact, how we judge is a reflection of how far we can go intellectually. I am writing this for those who feel alone, as I once did, to find solace in what they are facing.
“POTS can be confusing, debilitating, and lonely.”
- Solange Knowles
It felt like what I imagined for someone to be kicking after being shot during their last few seconds of life. There are days I feel that weak. Where I kick to see if my body is still here with me. I remember fighting for my life to breathe, thinking I was going to die, and the response I got from my employer was concern of me no longer able to deliver what they wanted of me, not me. That is the basis for how the United States defines you as a human being: what can you offer, not who you are.
POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) is a condition that affects your autonomic nervous system, aka the part of the brain that manages heart rate, blood pressure, and digestion. Cases of POTS increased significantly after the COVID-19 pandemic.
I believed that my body was going into septic shock at the time. I remember my nurse telling me, “I see so many women who come in here like yourself crying uncontrollably because they don’t know what to do anymore.” I was them in private. I was in and out of the ER and doctors' offices,desperate to do anything and everything that I could to alleviate my symptoms.From the second I would get up from my bed, my heart would beat uncontrollably. Was being a Bronx baby who was raised right off the Major Deegan finally catching up to me?
COVID-19 may act as a trigger for POTS, even in people who had mild infections.
When your body begins to give up on you, it alters your entire perception of life. To fear dying in your sleep or asking a relative/partner to check in on you every five minutes while you shower changes you. I am living proof that it does get better. I am back to doing almost everything I enjoy, including working my a** off to achieve all my artistic endeavors. I've had to make life adjustments, but with change comes evolution; that's the law of exchange. Every day I am still grateful to be alive, because life is a gift. Some people did not survive the COVID-19 virus, and I did. Some days my body scares me, but I work with her. I love her and continue to fight for her, just like the people who never gave up on me, even when I was ready to give up on myself. So many do not make it to see 24, and I did. I hope to continue to live many more healthy years of a life filled with an array of color.
Check this article out on my Substack here
